Tell Me A Story: DEAR SANTA: I WANT A MANATEE

Mary Marcia
America's STORYTELLER
Telling Untold Stories in Photographs, Prose and Public Speaking

It hurts.

I laughed so hard it hurts when I read today's story, DEAR SANTA, I WANT A MANATEE.

I almost vomited.

Not to sound crude - but it's true.

When was the last time you laughed until you cried, "Help me, Janice!?"

Video: Help me, Janice

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Read on.

This is a true story written by one of the most precious boys I am blessed to know and love.

JOURNEY TO CHRISTMAS:

Dear Santa: I WANT A MANATEE

Ben Kackle

HELLO.

My name is Ben Kackle.

This feels like an AA meeting.

I want to share with you my Christmas Santa story.

It all started when I was a boy - about three.

My daddy showed me in a storybook about a giant underwater creature called the manatee.

From then on I fell in love with it.

It was close to Christmastime -
so I asked Santa Claus for a manatee.
I couldn't spell very well -
so I spelled the best I could
in my letter.

Actually
I wrote Santa Claus a

threatening letter:

Dare Sant (Dear Santa),
For Chrimes (Christmas) I want a manatee. If you don't get me a manatee for Chrimes (Christmas)- I will tell the word (world) your seereat (secret). You kissed my momy (mommy)and I sew (saw) it. And I will reilisee (release) it to the word (world). And I will tell my daddy you kissed Mom. My daddy will come and get you, or he will send Uncle Vinnie to wacke (whack) you.
Yours,
Ben Kackle

Then I had to write another letter to tell Santa how to get the manatee to my house.

Dare Sant (Dear Santa),
Hi.
It's me agen (again).

Soery (sorry) to botter (bother) you.
I forget to tell you - if my manatee won't fit on the back of your slead (sled), you can awyes (always) do what my daddy does: put one of those trailers on the back of your sleea (sleigh), and put my manatee on it. But you should come to my houssie (house) first because it will littient (lighten) your lood (load).
Yours Again,
Ben Kackle

I wrote the third letter when I remembered the manatee couldn't fit down the chimney - and my dad started fires. I didn't want the manatee to burn.

Dare Sant (Dear Santa),
Just one more small thing.
And HI by the way.
It's me agen (again).
I just had a touth (thought). My manatee can not fit down my chinine (chimney), and my dad says he's goining (going) to start a fire. My dad said you will be safie (safe), but my manatee wointi (won't). So here's what you can do: you can put Barbara (that's what I'm naming my manatee) in my forunt yeard (front yard)...in a tank, pleasee...so she won't crawl away and eat my neaber's (neighbor's) dog. His name is Eagouse (Augustus). No one likes him.   So - this is off the sugabict (subject). Wood (would) you take him aweay (away)?
Thank you.
Come to my housse ferst (house first).
Ben Kackle

Christmas morning I didn't see my manatee in the house, so I ran outside to see if it was there.

To my surprise - NO.

In disappointment - I ran back inside, and told my daddy: "Santa Claus kissed Mom."

Daddy just laughed.

My Uncle Vinnie came. I was sitting on the couch playing with my other toys - still disappointed that I didn't get a manatee. Dad told Uncle Vinnie how I asked for a manatee.

Uncle Vinnie said: "The kid still believes in Santa Claus?"

I bolted off the sofa to my Uncle Vinnie, - looked up at him, and said in amazement: "Santa Claus died?!"

I sorted out the fact that Santa died in my head, and came to the conclusion that's why he didn't give me a manatee.

My dad looked down upon me, and my disappointment, and said: "Santa has a brother who lives at the South Pole."

I made it a mission of mine to write an "I'm Sorry" note to Santa Claus' elves and his brother - in case they hadn't heard that he died.

Dare Ellfes (Dear Elves),
My name is Ben Kackle.
First - I wood (would) like to tell you - I'm so sorrey (sorry) for Santa's deeath (death).
I hope it was fastie (fast) and panineless (painless).
But - the workle (work) must go onne (on).
This is what I am welling (willing) to do: my grendpaap (grandpa) will send his plene (plane) to get all of you geys (guys), and fly you geys (guys) to Santa's bother (brother) at the South Pole.
I now (know) this mite (might) be a shouck (shock) to you, but yes, it's trou (true). I just found out mysellf (myself). My dad told me. Once you get theree (there)- you need to bring me my manatee bechousse (because) the late Santa did not bring me her.
So - get on it.
Sincerely.
Yours,
Ben Kackle
P.S.
Tell Santa's bother (brother) - I'm sorry for his loss.

A couple weeks later I saw that Santa's brother wasn't doing his job - so I wrote him another letter.

Dare Sant's Bother (Dear Santa's Brother),
If my manatee does not show up at my house by Tousiday (Tuesday) - I will tell the word (world) your seereat (secret) that you are an imposster (imposter). You might be realteed (related) - but you are not Sant (Santa).
I will tell the word (world).
Don't test me.
I will be at my fournt doore (front door) after I come back from schoole (School).
I will be waiting.
Don't keep me waiting.
Here is an exaplee (example): I wrote some very impornt pepplee (important people) to buy me a manatee - like the presdent of the Unitited Steates (President of the United States), and and all he did wos (was) send me a stuffed one. I don't wount (want) a stuffed one.
And I wrote a letter to the Hiltons - you know - like the ones who build the hottales (hotels). They sent me another stuffed manatee. Don't get me wrong - it's not that I'm being uniffles (ungrateful), but I want a real one.
Be at my houssie (house) by my time.
Sincerely,
Yours,
Ben Kackle

I waited...
and waited after I got home from school.

Santa Claus never brought me my Barbara Manatee.

This year, I am planning to release the news all over the web: the news that he is not Santa Claus. He is Santa's brother.

I'm sorry if this news might come as a shock to anyone. Santa's brother does a very good job of bringing presents to everyone. You will still have presents under the tree.

But - the world needs to know.

If anyone is willing to bring me a real live manatee - I will offer my grandpa, the billionaire's services for a day. It's our little secret until you bring me a manatee. We'll make an exchange.

Sincerely,
Yours,
Ben Kackle